This is BIG!
When couples come in to see me for counseling, I ask many of the following questions:
- How often are you having sex, if at all?
- What values do you share?
- How long have you been struggling?
However, one of the most important questions I ask is this: How often do you kiss?
The answer to that question gives me a lot of information about a couple’s connection, because when there’s a lack of kissing in a relationship, intimacy can fade fast.
A romantic relationship involves sexual intimacy — a friendship does not. If you are married to someone and you have no sexual intimacy, you are in a friendship, not a romantic relationship, and that is something you will need to decide if you want to change. And a simple relationship kiss is a powerful thing.
When I talk about sexual intimacy, I’m not just talking about intercourse. Kisses are very intimate, especially kisses on the mouth. Remember Vivian’s rule in Pretty Woman? She’d do just about anything, but no kissing on the mouth. Kissing on the mouth was just too intimate.
It’s also crucial to make sure when you do connect, it’s with a “good kiss.” No matter how busy your life is, the time it takes to be in the moment for a kiss with your partner will not derail your schedule.
Keep in mind that hugs are great, too. I strongly encourage any couple who is having a hard time with their physical connection to incorporate hugs into their routine. Just understand that a kiss is more powerful and therefore more necessary to the viability of any romantic relationship.
One of the greatest things you can do to keep the intimacy alive in any relationship is to kiss each other on a regular basis. I’m talking about kissing on the lips — not just a peck on the cheek or the forehead. Save those pecks for your Aunt Ethel.
Kiss each other when you say goodbye in the morning, when you come home at night, when you go to bed, when you’re leaving on a trip, and when you come home. Surprise each other with kisses on the fly. Even give a sleeping spouse a kiss when you leave or come home at odd hours.
Every time you kiss, you show the other person how special he or she is to you. Kissing will also help reaffirm your attachment to them. Too often, people tell me that they feel like they’re just friends with their spouse. They say that there is no longer any touching and a lack of kissing in a relationship. They talk about being really great roommates.
When a relationship has gotten to this stage, couples often try to get back into the routine of having sex. Starting with hand-holding, hugs and kisses is a more gentle way to reintroduce yourselves to that kind of romantic intimacy, as both partners need to feel comfortable with this level of intimacy before they can reintroduce sex into their relationship.
Once a couple becomes comfortable with kissing, they often find that more intimate steps simply follow along naturally.
If you find your relationship faltering or turning into a roommate situation, refocus it with a kiss. Once you both commit to prioritizing yourselves in this way, things will begin to shift — and you will find that old intimacy rising once again.